MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change to suit her, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow FALL APART .... deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

--> Read more...

As we Silver Surfers know,sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,


'An ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard!!

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A Little Girl On A Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

Photo: www.photobucket.com

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

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Lawyers

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?. Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers

--
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give

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Observations On Growing Older

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE;
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

Observations On Growing Older
~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are Perfect! (no kidding!)

~Going Out is good... Coming Home is better!

~You Forget names ... But it's OK because other people forget they even Knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... Especially Golf. So True!

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called "Pre-sleep."

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch...

~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?" ... "when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything sold in stores is "sleeveless" !!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers !!!

~Now that your husband has retired .... You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!!


Love You, "OLD FRIEND!"
Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!!

It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived!



"Spend less time worrying who's right and more time deciding what's right"

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Welcome to 21st Century!!

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our Sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings -Heartless

Our politics -Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our Mistakes -Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth -Jobless

Our Ladies - Topless

Our Boss - Brainless

Our Jobs - Thankless

Our Needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our Salaries - Less & less

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Those of You Born 1930 - 1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!



First, we survived being born to mothers
Who smoked and/or drank while they were
Pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
Tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
Locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode
Our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children,
We would ride in cars with no car seats,
No booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day
Was always a special treat.

We drank water
From the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends,
From one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.
We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.
And, we weren't overweight.
WHY?

Because we were
Always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
As long as we were back when the
Streetlights came on.

No one was able
To reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
And then ride them down the hill, only to find out
We forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes.
There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
No video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,
No cell phones,
No personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
And we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
And there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt,
And the worms did not live in us
Forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and,
Although we were told it would happen,
We did not put out very many eyes..

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
Knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just
Walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal
With disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law
Was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best
Risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years
Have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them?
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others
who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the
lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know
how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house
with scissors, doesn't it ?

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New Version of the Three Bears Story

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE DARN PORRIDGE YET
.

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Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women
will be finished reading this by now.

Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.

Entirely too funny not to send on!!
,

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Mavis and her husband

Mavis’ husband was slipping in and out of a coma at POS General for 8 days but she still stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears.

'You know what gurl? You was wit meh all tru de bad times.

When I geh fire, you was dere to support me.

When meh hand get burn de time in de boat, yuh was dere.

When I geh shoot by the pan yard, yuh was by meh side.

When we lorse de B12, yuh was dere.

When meh heart start to gih meh problems, yuh was rite dere.

Yuh know what Mavis?'

'What dahlin?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'Yuh know ah come to realize yuh is a damn’ blight.
.

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change to suit her, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow FALL APART .... deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

.

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ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

SEND IT ON AND MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT SMILE...
LIKE I JUST DID.

YOU DON’T NEED TO BE A GRANDPARENT TO LOVE THIS!

.

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Three Trinis in a taxi

Three Trini men were really really drunk, almost passing out from drinking *rum* so they stopped a taxi.

The taxi driver figured they were drunk out of their right minds, so he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them "we reach".

The first man gave him money.
The second man said thank you.
And the third buss a hard slap in de taxi driver face!

The taxi driver got surprised and said to himself: Oh gawd ah was hoping that none of them realised the car didn't move an inch.
"What was that for?" the now vexed taxi driver asked.

The third man said "next time don't drive so fast, U cudda kill all ah we !!"

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Six Undisputable Truths

Six Truths in Life


1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time - it's a physical impossibility.




2. All idiots, after reading No.1, will try it.




3. And discover No.1 is a lie !!

4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..

I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company

You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today.

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Thought for the Day

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Good One

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery
shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"


Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

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Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small Error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the Original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He Sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!

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What is "Generation Y?”

I've always wondered this question myself...!!


People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation..

The Baby Boomers are those born between 1947 and 1959.

Generation X people have been born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y were born between 1980 and 2010

Why do we call the last group Generation Y ?

I always thought it was because they say....
Y should I get a job ?
Y should I leave home and find my own place ?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours ?
Y should I clean my room ?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food ?

A cartoonist explained it very eloquently below....



Scroll down.






Keep reading.................








Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.






Les Winebarger

.

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One For The Boys ...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet . .. its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive b*st*rd. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you ... she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ...you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape .. you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers .. you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache .. you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often ... you're overs**ed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first ?

Because they want to.

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Have you ever woken up in someone else's bed?

.

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