Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

13 THINGS YOUR BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.


3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste... and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.


4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it..


5. If it snows while you're out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house.. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don't let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it's set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom - and your jewelry. It's not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It's raining, you're fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don't take a day off because of bad weather.


9. I always knock first. If you answer, I'll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don't take me up on it.)


10. Do you really think I won't look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here's a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids' rooms.


12. You're right: I won't have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it's not bolted down, I'll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If yo u're reluctant to leave your TV on while you're out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at http://www.faketv/.com/)


8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON'T TELL YOU:


1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.


2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.


3. I'll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he'll stop what he's doing and wait to hear it again.. If he doesn't hear it again, he'll just go back to what he was doing. It's human nature.


4. I'm not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I'm looking for signs that you're home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I'd like. I'll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.


6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It's easier than you think to look up your address.


7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it's an invitation.


8. If you don't answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.


Sources: Convicted burglars in North Carolina , Oregon , California , and Kentucky ; security consultant Chris McGoey and Richard T. Wright, a criminology professor at the University of Missouri-St.. Louis, who interviewed 105 burglars for his book Burglars on the Job.
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Fast Food

I am always curious why KFC, Royal Castle and all of these other people call themselves "fast food" when you have to wait an hour for it. Not that you're waiting for preparation; it just takes forever to get it served.

I think they should call it fast PREPARED food, as it's often uncooked or halfway cooked. Definitely not served fast.

Instead, the title fast food in this country should be reserved only for the doubles man, and, of course, the nuts man.

Ask the nuts man for an order, and it's quickly and efficiently served.

Try it. Look for a nuts man and simply say "two salt". Watch as he snaps into action, dropping his nuts bag, fetching the unmarked paper satchel and delivering it with a polite greeting, "Blessed love bredren. Four dollars".

I've never experienced that in Japs. The line goes forever, and the service, as in every other store that perpetrates as fast food, the speed of the service is inversely proportional to the length of the line.

What does that mean? It means there's one of only two options:

Long line: They move fast, but you'll still take long, ‘cause you're all the way at the back.
Short line/no line: They move slow. I mean, is only one of you anyway. Why move fast? It's not as though they're keeping anyone else back. Only you, that solitary sod who dared to venture into the establishment in what we all know is a break (i.e. anytime there's no large crowd).
And now let us analyse the noble doubles man – the second of two, upstanding members of society. The first is the nuts man, and the second is the doubles man.

It's amazing that a doubles vendor can pull grease paper, two bara, put channa, mango, chadon beni (shadow benny), pepper and coconut, feeding twenty "eaters" and wrap for six other people who want it to go, satisfying everyone all in the space of an hour.

Now, while this doubles man/woman is doing this, they're monitoring how many you eat, what you're eating, and, of course, when you're finished. All you have to do is to stand and watch them once you're done with the last one, and another one comes. In the midst of this, they're also considering other important things:

  • Stock control.
If they're running out of bara, you get much more channa with your single doubles.

  • Quality control

If the bara "break up", you'll get a third bara in your doubles to make up for it.

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